Dear A,

I lay in bed fighting the urge to call you and let you know that today has been an emotional wreckage. I managed to stay vertical from 9-5, and slowly started to cave at 5:30 when I met a friend for happy hour (and by happy hour I mean a delicious diet coke). I brushed it off knowing at 8:00 I had an appointment with my therapist and I would probably feel better the following hour.
I leave the bar and as I sit in traffic I thumb through apple music to try and find a song that fits my mood. However, that wasn’t simple to define so I turned on Demi Lovato because she’s been through some shit and has come out on the other side. Now, one thing apple music needs to learn is how to predict your emotions and moods. When you’re doing everything in your power to hold yourself together, do not play the saddest songs the chosen artist sings. HORRIBLE IDEA, APPLE! HORRIBLE! So, as you can guess…there I am crying on the interstate, stuck in traffic, so of course the 2 cars that I’m playing catch and mouse with can see the beginning of my melt down. As I get closer to my therapist I can feel my body start to shake. I think, “oh no, just 5 more minutes. Hold yourself together for 5 more minutes”. Stuck at a red light..“shit, okay. 7 more minutes and you’ll be there. You’ll feel so much better after talking to your therapist.” Turn at the light, cue full blown panic attack…”ah hell, who cares. just let it all out. **calls mom** MOM I”M GO-GO-Go-…ahhhhh”. I’m sure you can infer from there.

Recently, I have felt so anxious and in a panic when I think about A. I wish I could find a way to ease the pain, get rid of the tears, and just be happy again. I fear there is no amount of medicine or mood stabilizer that can fix my broken heart and the emptiness I feel not having the man I love in my life.

It’s so hard to let go…