I have been seeing a therapist for over a year and about 5 months ago he diagnosed me with Bipolar II disorder. Sitting on the couch with my palms nervously sweating and my heart racing like I had just sprinted a marathon, it all made sense. The emotions and mood swings I have been struggling with for years finally had a meaning, or better yet a prognosis. That meant, if there is a prognosis there is a cure. I immediately went home and researched everything I could on Bipolar II disorder; mood swings, hypomania, deep depression, suicidal thoughts. The more I researched, the more my life started to make sense.
My long term relationship with the man of my dreams, A, ended a month before this diagnosis made its way into my life. The constant roller coaster of feelings from loving life and having a surge of energy, to crying incessantly at night and feeling like life would never get better seemed to be clear. I was a huge part of why our relationship failed. I wish we would have dove deeper into my mood swings and gotten off the rollercoaster of emotional wreckage before the damage became permanent, but I can’t allow myself to focus on that. Since I am now focusing 100% on myself and not involving anyone else in the equation, I am able to take a headstrong approach to living a stable life.
Before we realized I was Bipolar, I was put on Wellbutrin, LexiPro, and another brain drug that made me feel like I was drunk as a skunk. Everything I have been on up to this point has not helped my depression or mood swings, it’s actually done the opposite. I gained 14lbs in two weeks, none of my pants fit and every time I went to the mall to try on clothes I felt like a fat lard.It got so bad one day I was crying in my Gyno’s office explaining how miserable I was and she immediately sent me to a mental hospital where they threatened to keep me for 72 hours. (That’s another story I shall tell later)
A couple weeks ago I was prescribed Zoloft. Just like being diagnosed with Bipolar, I have researched the shit out of this drug to see if it’s something even worth trying…and after last night, I don’t think I have another choice.
Last night I hit another low with uncontrollable crying that led me to a full blown panic attack where I text A to reassure me that 1) I wasn’t crazy and 2) he’s not dating anyone. Luckily for me, we never stopped loving each other and I know without a doubt in my mind that he wouldn’t lie to me and he’ll always be there to support me. He has his handful of issues as well that he is trying to work through. Anyways, after last night I think getting on a medication to help me see past the “fog” is something I desperately need. I sit back and reevaluate my life and want to shake myself and say “GIRLFRIEND! You are 26 years old; you’re smart, funny, have a great head on your shoulders…you need to get a grip. Everything will be okay”. But, those of you that struggle with depression, anxiety, mood swings, etc. you know you can say that to yourself throughout the day and if you’re lucky you’ll believe it for a whole five minutes, and then it’s back to the endless pits in your stomach, emotionless conversations, and feelings of not giving a damn.
Today, I’m back at Starbucks observing the elders trying to use their smart phones and teenagers move around on hoover boards rather than walking (what’s the deal with that anyways?). It’s a beautiful day outside and I’m going to go for a run and enjoy the weather.
I hope you have a great day!